You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
