Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
