i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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