whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
