Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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