1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I wish they made helmets for livers.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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