My first STD was from a foam party
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
