Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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