my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
