while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
