that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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