I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
