i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
