peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
even my farts smell like vagina
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
