There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
