Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
