Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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