I wish I could punch you in the face.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
