I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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