Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
