I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
