Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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