The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
