I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize