Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I CAN MOONWALK!
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
