I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize