Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
