She is in my trunk
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
