I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
