he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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