Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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