just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
