Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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