I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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