Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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