I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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