He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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