i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Everyone says I win the strip club
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