I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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