I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
