god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
