Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
