Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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