I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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