i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
