i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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