I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Randomize
