seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
