We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
