It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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