i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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