Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
