my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize
