Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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