I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
