How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Randomize
