forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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