His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
