so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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