He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Randomize
