she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
